I’ve been debating whether or not to post this for the past 24+ hours. To say that it is embarrassing is an understatement. I showed my closest friend the video below, asking their honest opinion on whether or not I should launch a vlogging (video blog) series for Our Stories Untold, and proceeded to hide underneath a blanket for the entirety of the viewing.
Writing is great. I’m good at it, and when it’s intuitively flowing, oh baby, it’s flowing. The words just come out of my fingertips. Then, with a click of a button, the piece is posted. No one sees my face. No one sees my tears. No one sees my internal struggle. There’s something so much less personal–and therefore easy–about it.
Speaking in public is even great. I get nervous, but I think I’m decent at it. And when it’s intuitively flowing, oh baby, it’s flowing! It can be very powerful. But the great thing about speaking in front of an audience is that you have that personal eye-to-eye contact. Even when you stink, people can see you, feel your energy, and come up afterwards to give you a nice hug or a smile or at least an awkward pat on the back.
Talking to my iPhone, without a script, as if I’m talking to… well… you?!? Not only is it incredibly awkward, but it’s also deeply personal. And then posting it for the world to see is, well, incredibly vulnerable! Which is why I’ve been in turmoil over whether or not I should start this vlogging series. Will it helpful for others, or just humiliating for myself? Will it inspire healing, or just create anxiety for myself? Will it inspire change, or just cause me unnecessary stress?
I’ve decided that I have to at least give it the 5 day run my blog partners and I originally intended, even if it is starting on Tuesday instead of Monday, like I wanted. So, here it goes. Stepping out into new territory. Who knows where this will go. If it is helpful, perhaps my OSU partners Barbra and Hilary will take the vlogging plunge and we can offer new content addressing issues of sexual abuse, religion, and healing. But for now, here’s me, just trying to get real with you.
This is what one aspect of vulnerability is all about! Doing things we internally really don’t want to. I remember having an extreme case of anxiety before launching Our Stories Untold, and now it just feels like a comfortable project that I have on the side. The only way we grow is to push ourselves into new territory. My new territory is trying this out. What is yours?
Expect more videos throughout this week. I’m going the route of speaking about whatever I’m inspired to speak about in the moment. I’m not planning on using scripts, and I’m not planning on planning–period. Let me know your thoughts and feel free to suggest topics or ask specific questions that you want me to respond to. I think this could be fun if there’s a group of people who really enjoy it and find it helpful.
Oh, and the whole purpose of this is to spread love and courage. I am all for people disagreeing with me on anything I talk about, but any comments that are rude, mean, or inspire hate, will be removed from all OSU content. We’re here to inspire love and change, not to promote hate that can set people back in their healing processes. That’s just who we are and how we roll. Thank you for understanding.
Thank you, Rachel, for sharing with us in this way. It’s powerful to see your face, to hear your voice, and to have a sense that we are sitting together outside under the big sky sharing from heart to heart. I look forward to more of these encounters with you.
Thank you, Carolyn. I always appreciate your support in all forms that it comes in.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Rachel. I am truly inspired by your willingness to be vulnerable. In so doing, you are a marvelous model for us all, even this 68-year-old grandfather.
I’ll look for tomorrow’s video, too.
Blessings,
Bruce
Bruce, thank YOU for reading, watching, and letting me know you’re inspired. It helps me continue to do what I do. I’m also looking forward to tomorrow’s video!
How did I get into this? I was sexually abused once. I’d say it still haunt’s me.I was just a young boy and taken advantage of under the threat of physical harm. Davy
Davy, it’s good to hear from you, though I’m sad to hear about your experience as a child. There’s a lot of men out there who have experienced sexual abuse, and I’m grateful to hear of their experiences because it’s (in my opinion) rarer and harder for men be vulnerable about what happened to them because of the culture of masculinity in our society. So thank you for voicing what happened to you. I hope you can find the healing and love you need in this lifetime. Missing you and the Lama mountain.
Thank you, Rachel. Thank you. Thank you for following through on your impulse to “vlog.” You have set for us a beautiful example of vulnerability. I, too, look forward to seeing and hearing what you have to share each day this week.
Thank you, Cameron. I so appreciate your impulses to do important work around sexual abuse as well. The community of support out there is SO important.
Thank you Rachel. Exactly what I need to hear..You are beautiful..and encourage me to …be who I am.
Janet
Janet, much love to you. Continue to be you. YOU are beautiful! Just as you are.
I love this! What a wonderful mantra meditation and to do it with you face to face fills me up to overflowing and inspires me to explore my own choices and fears around vulnerability. Thank you sister. Can’t wait for more from you.
Thank you always, Barbra. I am so grateful for your support on this journey.
Rachel – So happy to see your courageous video. Putting your voice and face to your words has a profound impact. It reminds me of our walk back from the monastery a year ago. A very special time to spend with you. Now others will enjoy the same walk that I had with you. All the best.
You’re amazing, Rae. <3
Thank you for going for it Rachel. It was awesome to see your face. I’m going to try your mantra. .. fire some years now mine had been God made me… God loves me…. I matter. Which was given to me before I was to preach in class at seminary scared to the deepest part of me.
Rachel;
Thank you so much for this website and your written and spoken posts. I’ve been following Our Stories Untold ever since it began and have read most of the posts. I’ve never been the victim of sexual abuse, but was the target of a workplace bully for nearly three years at a former employer, and as a result diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and treated with medication and counseling for several years. But nearly ten years after I escaped that toxic workplace environment I still have nightmares, some high levels of anxiety and related restlessness, and try to function with what at times seems to be a debilitating lack of confidence, all as a result of the psychological abuse of workplace bullying.
So I understand some things about abuse and the lasting traumatic and life changing impact it has on people. I believe you are making a priceless contribution to people like myself who deal with the after effects of intentional mistreatment. It takes a lot of courage to talk and write about the horrible experience of being abused, but those who talk and write about it are offering courage and protection to others.
I’ve written extensively about my experiences on the internet in part because I feel it was and is my responsibility to warn others of the dangers of workplace bullying, which sometimes is hard to recognize, understand, and address before the damage is done. I’m aware that others may see my ongoing willingness to write and talk about it, not as a necessary therapeutic exercise or a community service, but as a failure on my part to forgive and “move on” or “let go” (whatever those terms mean). I was ordered by managers (the same managers who refused to address the bullying and threatened to fire me for reporting it) to “move on like an adult” and “let go” but someone with PTSD can no more let go of the injury than a quadriplegic can shake off his paralysis. The order was not only insensitive and inappropriate but also irrelevant. I suspect that those suffering from sexual abuse have also experienced such misunderstandings and insensitive behavior from those who don’t understand, or don’t want to hear our stories.
Your gift to us, Rachel, includes not just the courage to report and talk about the abuse we’ve experienced and the effect it has on our lives, as well as the protection that knowledge provides, but also the expectation that others will take the problem seriously. After all it’s impossible for people to take a problem seriously if they don’t know about it, and there remains, in this world, a lot of dangerous blissful ignorance about abuse. Your courage is outstanding. Thank you again for the work that you do and may God keep you safe, healthy, and strong in the coming months and years.
Leonard Nolt
Boise, Idaho
Thank you for this comment, Leonard. I’m not quite sure how I missed it the first time through, but I appreciate your words and vulnerability and willingness to talk about your own painful abusive experiences. It takes a lot of courage to put ourselves out there in that way! Many blessings to you.